If you play “Smooth Operator” I will fill your mouth with spiders

I’m slightly deaf at the moment, because today we had a visit from a HQ rep (the Peeps has recently been purchased by a Conglomo-Porn Co., more on which later) and apparently the music in my booth wasn’t blaring loud enough. He also wanted to have a word about “appropriate song choices”. This bodes ill: if I end up wearing a name-tag and a hair net at this place I shall be very put out.

Choosing the right music for work is more difficult than you’d think. At first the natural inclination is to just bring along your favourite CDs and let it roll, but after a few shifts on high rotation that band you really loved becomes Those Fucking Guys With That Goddamn Song pretty quickly. An MP3 player or laptop hookup is also a good idea in theory, but only works if you’re one of those freaks who could never be ashamed of anything that comes up on “Shuffle”. I learned this the hard way in my first few weeks when in the middle of a rush, with every booth full and my laptop in the back room where I couldn’t easily yank it out of the wall in shame, I heard the opening chords of “Tears In Heaven”. I don’t even remember downloading the damn thing, and I certainly had never had it come up on a playlist before- so naturally it decided to raise its hideous My-Child-Went-Out-The-Window when I’m naked with a six-inch rhinestone studded black dildo in my crotch. And you know what? That song is long. Like, really really long. And every second was agony. I think one dude might have started crying.

So now I stick with a pretty safe set: reasonably upbeat but not too twee, and nothing too obscure. A bit of Buzzcocks, the Shins, some Ramones, early Clash, dash of Pixies, you know. A lot of the other girls find it easier to work to real bump & grind hardcore or R&B, but I just can’t keep a straight face: the combination of “Milkshake”-level explicit lyrics and stifled grunting from the punters is a little overwhelming and I start snickering. Besides, if I really don’t want to be working that day I can just play “The Mercy Seat” for about five hours and make everyone wish they were dead.